Monday, March 1, 2010

An Olympic Message from Snowbird - Goddess of the Great, White North

Snowbird, by Ramon Perez.

Greetings, mortals.

I am Narya, daughter of northern goddess, Nelvanna and the human Richard Easton. You may also know me as Col. Anne Mackenzie, of the Yellowknife RCMP detachment or even the mountie who presented the “Let’s Play Safe with Snow” presentation to your child’s fourth grade class last week.

As a goddess of the north I have found my spirit empowered by the display of passion shown by the inhabitants of my homeland these last two weeks.

Such raw emotion and joy has sent me soaring skyward in my arctic owl from to soak up the Olympic spirit, until one of the biathalon competitors from a country that shall remain nameless, took a shot at me hoping to bag a Canadian souvenir. I don't have to tell you that contravened the spirit of this ancient event, the hunting and exporting laws of the land and earned him the enmity of a warrior goddess!

Do not fear, I did not kill him. But he shall require the assistance of a highly skilled surgical to remove those skis from where I shoved them in my polar bear form.

Sadly, my diminutive comrade in Alpha Flight arms, Puck, seems to have gone missing in the jubilation of the gold medal hockey game yesterday. When last I saw Eugene, he was sucking spilled beer out of the official Hudson’s Bay mittens and leading a pack of revelers to find Canuck defensemen Rob Niedermayer and get him to sign their genitals.

(shiver) You understand now why I did not care to follow, I hope.

Since Puck is still nowhere to found and it is still difficult to get anywhere in Vancouver unless you can morph into any winged creature of the frozen tundra like me, I shall take over today’s salute to the Olympics skating events.

The skaters are so graceful and lithe, they truly convey a sense of what it feels to fly through the air under your own power. To watch them is to understand one such as me, at least a little bit.


Unless you're Victor Plushenko, a sense of humour is the most important ingredient for ice skating. That frozen H2O can be a harsh mistress!

One thing you humans forget, is how romantic skating can be. The feeling of gliding along with some one you love is can most alluring. See how Patsy Walker's graceful swan rotation almost instantly attracts a potential life mate to her side. It could also be because her tights had "Come get me!" written on the crotch but we''ll never know for sure.

Guys, you know it works. Let go of the hockey obsession long enough to turn on some figure skating and your sweetie will want to cuddel up with a cup of hot cocoa and you... guaranteed. Take it from a sexy Goddess of the North. I know how to stay warm on those long, Canadian winter nights!

And so, until next time! Farewell mortals!

Beavers Up!

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